Your Breathe Smells Like Shit Have You Been Kissing Ass Again Jokes

danny mcbride as kenny powers on eastbound and down

HBO (Edited)

Danny McBride's latest HBO venture, Vice Principals, is similar Eastbound & Downwardsin an alternate universe, ane where Kenny Powers prowls a loftier school rather than a pitching mound. His new grapheme, Neal Gamby, is still bringing the heat, but this time he's doing so as a biting vice main passed over for a kick-ass promotion.

In laurels of McBride exchanging his jersey for a sweater vest, and and so that you'll never forget the bizarre bulletproof tiger with exceptional hair that was Kenny Powers, we've rounded up two dozen bodaciousEastbound & Downwardlyquotes and audiobook Powerisms. ( Alarm: many NSFW words, clips, and phrases follow.)

Kenny Powers, on the origin of Kenny Powers

"When my donkey was xix years old, I changed the face of professional baseball game. I was handed the keys to the kingdom: multimillion-dollar deals, endorsements. Anybody wanted a piece of my shit. Just a human being with a mind for victory and an arm similar a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you go lost in the tempest. And a true champion, face to face with his darkest 60 minutes, volition practice whatsoever it takes to rise above. A man fights and fights, and and so fights some more than. Because give up is death, and expiry is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My donkey is a fucking champion."

Kenny Powers, on the topic of triathlons:

"I play real sports. Non trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy."

Kenny Powers, on his Achilles heel, as described in his audiobookYou're Fucking Out, I'thousand Fucking In:

"I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm similar a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist. So people frequently enquire me, Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do yous have any? I would say that my biggest flaw, my Achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic."

Kenny Powers, responding to his dad virtually whether he smokes weed:

"Does the Pope blow little kids?"

Kenny Powers, doing his best Trump impression:

"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the all-time country and all the other countries aren't as proficient. That used to be called patriotism."

Kenny Powers, on Kenny Powers' comeback:

"[I'm] sober and ready to destroy the competitions."

Kenny Powers, giving himself a pep talk later on discovering that no one wants his eBay memorabilia:

"Ask everyone out at that place, and they'll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals: running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball game role player faces. I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You lot know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless. This one bus tried to put me on a weight-training plan, and I was all similar, You and your weights tin fuck off somewhere. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy. Y'all tell me why I need strength training when I'chiliad stiff plenty to throw a goddamn 100-mile-per-60 minutes pitch. Fuck that.

"See, in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn't matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would exist on top then? The guy with the talent. In a nutshell, you can train all you want. You lot can piece of work on your catchin', on your throwin', on your runnin' -- hell, it might even be enough to go yous into the Majors. Merely in order to be a standout, an all-star, a champion, you need more than hard work and dedication. You need something that you lot can't work for. You demand a blessing from God Almighty."

Kenny Powers, after his dad suggests they meet in hell and bang a pair of she-devils:

"I got two hard rules I alive past, Pop: I don't fuck with the devil, and I never practise tag-teams with blood relatives. Take information technology easy, former man."

Kenny Powers, on putting baseball behind him:

"When my ass was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I haven't played professionally for several years now, only in my center, I quit for real this time. This evening. It's time I accept the fact that the celebrity days of my life are now backside me. Simply like Neil Armstrong, I went to infinite and now I'k back and nobody gives a shit. Therefore, I volition now settle into this new life. I'll find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously, and try to do them the best that I mayhap can. And realizing that the dear of my life has called another, I will motility forward. Without her.

"I practice all these things not considering I want to, but because I have to. From this moment frontward, Kenny Powers is just like everyone else: normal, not special; no hopes or dreams; pretending to be happy when he's really super lamentable. Just an average guy, with exceptional hair. Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forwards, the People'due south Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Aureate Dick, Dr. Erect and Assurance -- that Kenny Powers is now dead. And he will never option up a baseball ever fucking again."

Kenny Powers, talking to his Mexican girlfriend nigh the entreatment of soccer:

"In America, people fucking hate soccer, and honestly, that'southward the fashion it should exist. You kinda like soccer? I'yard gonna pretend you didn't merely make my dick get soft. Yes, no, information technology's totally soft. I experience like it's only gone back within of me with that [like], No, don't talk about soccer."

Kenny Powers, on how to endear yourself to new teammates:

"Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some, I liked. Some, I really fucking hated. I'g non mentioning any names, merely let's but say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole. The all-time style to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team yous played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties. If that doesn't work, then just like prison, yous pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team and you boot him in his fucking teeth."

Kenny Powers, on the importance of his comeback:

"In that location take been many comebacks throughout history: Jesus was dead, merely then came back equally an all-powerful God zombie; Ryan O'Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and amend than e'er. Well, my comeback is almost complete, and I can say that when it is consummate, information technology will shake the pillars of this land or boondocks. My story is the story of a raging Christ effigy who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans, with blood in his eyes, and said, My turn now, cocksuckers."

Kenny Powers, spending quality time with his one-year-old son:

"OK, Toby, here we get, bud. We're going to put you on the large people's furniture. Try not to shit all over it, OK?"

Kenny Powers, on discovering his babe'southward dirty diapers:

"What is that smell? Oh, Jesus Christ. What did you eat? Diarrhea?"

Kenny Powers, on karma:

"Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say, F that B. Everything I have in this life, I earned myself. There's no cosmic luck deciding shit for us. My wealth, my fame, my World Serial pennant -- I earned myself. The one thing I didn't earn myself was when I caught crabs. I remember I got those from sleeping at a Red Roof Inn."

Kenny Powers, offering up some fatherly wisdom:

"Toby, what do you want from me? I've been super cool to yous. I've given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you lot a toy, will that erase the curse? Volition you stop fucking up my life, Toby?"

Kenny Powers, on toy-building:

"That'southward a toy that I made for [Toby]. It's a fake T. male monarch with a dildo crammed up its asshole. It's i of Toby'south favorites. When you lot turn it on… it moves. Dildo-saurus King, heh."

Kenny Powers, on winning:

"At that place'southward no meliorate feeling than winning. Dealing your opponent the deathblow, and so standing over his lifeless body every bit the earth around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other to become a taste of your hero's jism. The immature homo revels in such adulations. The mature man, nevertheless, celebrates not, considering he knows that every victory is only a precursor to another fucked-up exam."

Kenny Powers, on alpha males:

"In well-nigh of nature, the blastoff is the strongest of the pack. Beast of immense forcefulness, large in size, a leader from nativity, hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers -- nigh of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them."

Kenny Powers, on his assistant Stevie'south enhanced love life:

"Sounds similar L Shades of Gross to me, motherfucker."

Kenny Powers, roasting Dontel Benjamin on Guy Young's Sports Sesh:

"Goddamn fangs, lookin' like a motherfuckin' extra from Blade. Oh, we wanna talk about hair? Permit's talk virtually pilus for a 2d, shall nosotros? Allow's talk most that baldheaded-ass, shiny head of yours: lookin' like the black Destro. Honestly, this motherfucker looks similar a Milk Dud. Nah, nah, nah, you don't have to be a Milk Dud. You lot could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath'south been kickin'. You smell like you've been chewin' on buttholes all afternoon -- diarrhea buttholes, diarrhea stinky buttholes. Become a toothbrush homes!"

Kenny Powers, on his inspiration for Taters 'N Tits:

"How does any genius effigy out his inventions? I hateful, how did Leonardo DiCaprio effigy out about gravity? 'Crusade the bowwow was sleepin' underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head."

Kenny Powers, on learning a valuable Christmas lesson and becoming Kenny Claus:

"Fame, fortune, power -- titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But you lot can have a pocket full of gilded, information technology doesn't mean shit if y'all don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, withal it'due south an important lesson to learn. Fifty-fifty lone wolves run in packs sometimes."

Kenny Powers, on the end of his life-story screenplay format:

"Cut to black. Audience goes fucking apeshit."

Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.

Follow the Thrillist Amusement editors on Twitter: @ThrillistEnt.

harrishapat1992.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/best-kenny-powers-quotes-from-eastbound-down